Finding company on the path of fatherhood
Sebastopol has a Dads Group, and local fathers with young children are invited to join
Recent research suggests that America’s dads are more involved than ever before in parenting their children. The advent of the remote home office combined with greater social acceptance of gender equality and the growing belief that fatherhood is central to men’s identity are all contributing factors.
But fatherhood comes with challenges. While some established fathers groups — such as NYC Dads Group and its related national organization City Dads Group — already exist to offer support, the trend is still in its emerging stages with no standard blueprint. Within this context, Hunter Franks started the Sebastopol Dads Group a little over a year ago.
“I was a new dad about six months into the journey here in Sebastopol, and I was really seeking to have a space to gather with other dads, particularly newer dads, and be able to share some of what’s happening in my life and in my experience with fatherhood and parenting and also hear from other dads,” he said during a recent interview. “Just creating a space where I felt a little less alone at times, and [sharing] all the challenges and also all of the joys and the beauties [of being a dad] as well.
“There’s so much out there for mothers, and rightly so, but I couldn’t find a single thing for dads, and so finally I was like, ‘Well I guess I’ll just create it on my own.’ So that was kind of the genesis,” he continued.
He posted notices to the What’s Up Sebastopol and Sebastopol Families Facebook groups, and six or seven dads attended the first group. With that, it became a regular event, meeting on the last Sunday of each month from 10 a.m. to noon in the Peace Garden at Ragle Park.
Between three and 10 dads generally attend each meeting. They hear about the group through various avenues. Some see Franks’ Facebook posts. He also connects with local midwives and doulas who might be offering resources to younger or newer parents. He mentions it to people he meets. Sometimes wives hear about the group and pass the information on to their husbands.
Keith Conroy, of Forestville, attended the first Dads Group meeting a little over a year ago after his sister-in-law recommended it to him. He’s attended regularly ever since. He doesn’t bring either of his own children, but that’s allowed. Some fathers bring their children, but most don’t.
“We try to have a dad-focused space with no kids, but kids are welcome if for example the dad always has their kid on a Sunday,” he said.
“We didn’t have a lot of family,” Conroy said. “Not a lot of our friends had kids. We were kind of the first. I just wanted somebody to talk to about parenthood and a little community. I haven’t [previously] had a dads group or even a men’s group, but I’ve wanted one for a while just because as you get older your friends from college drift away, and all of a sudden you’re a little more alone than you’d want.”
The need for community is a recurring theme among attendees.
Beau Halligan, a recent transplant to Sebastopol from Australia with a 22-month-old son, also attended the first meeting, after Franks invited him personally.
“I think it’s really rare to carve out space to talk about things directly related to being a father,” Halligan said. “And it’s very nice to hear of men going through similar challenges and just resonating with their experience.
“I think culturally, given how busy we are as dads or as members of a productive family, we don’t really have time to take stock and reflect and give ourselves the space to recognize whether there may be challenges or even celebrate the things that we enjoy about fatherhood,” he added.
Meetings begin with attendees introducing themselves by sharing their names, where they live and how old their kids are. Then the meeting turns into a round robin, where each dad speaks in turn for a few minutes. Anonymity and confidentiality are inherent in this group’s dynamics. No interrupting is allowed. If there’s time, the round robin may continue for a second loop around the group.
The meetings focus on allowing each member to speak and on listening to what each member has to say. They are not forums for offering advice, yet listening to other fathers talk about their experiences can be therapeutic in and of itself. Afterwards people are free to talk with one another on a more personal, conversational level.
“I feel as though even hearing people reflect on challenges they faced and how they’ve overcome it has, in a sense at times, maybe shifted how I feel about certain challenges that I’m facing,” Halligan said.
“It’s awesome to just be there with other folks expressing the same challenges you’re going through or bouncing off solutions with each other,” Conroy said. “It’s helpful just knowing somebody else is going through the same thing.”
Friendships are born out of Dads Group meetings, and members sometimes invite their own friends or people they meet.
“I’ll often mention it. It’s kind of hard to build communities, so it’s not like I’m running into a ton of new people every week. But I’ve certainly got my radar on it in terms of new people that moved to the area and people that might want a bit of support in that capacity,” Halligan said.
“I just met another parent couple at a daycare tour, and they had just moved to the area recently,” Conroy said. “I let the dad know that there was a group, and he joined next session. So it’s been great to have him.”
Reflecting on the group’s success over the past year, Franks said, “It’s been a sweet way to drop in with other dads and build some community around fatherhood and parenting. I think it’s still a bit of a rebellious act as a dad, even in our somewhat liberal-thinking community here, to go and share and gather with other men and then also to share about parenting and fatherhood, with all the demands that are on parents time-wise.”
Halligan said, “I think there’s a cultural importance there for fathers to connect on a deeper level. And I think that as a society, we may not value that enough. And so it’s interesting, the amount of dads who only came because their wives had found the flyer or something like that.
“I just think that once we’re in those spaces, it feels very natural, but to get to those spaces feels challenging. And it is hard with time management as well to spend a minute to just think about the experience of fatherhood,” Halligan added.
“I think the space that Hunter facilitates, it feels very open to whatever you want to talk about and supportive,” Conroy said. “Everyone drops in emotionally. You come in and everyone’s ready to meet each other at a deep kind of vulnerable place, which is great. Hard to get to.”
Sebastopol’s Dads Group's next meetup is Sunday, Sept. 28. For more information, email Hunter Franks at hhfranks@gmail.com.
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