Recovering from a romance scam and how to avoid them in the first place
Part 2: One of the most interesting things about Shai Plonski's story is not the scam itself, but how he dealt with the aftermath
This is Part 2 of a two-part article about one man’s experience being the target of an online romance scam. You can read Part 1 here.
What can you do in the aftermath of a devastating personal and financial disaster like the one Shai Plonski faced after he was ensnared in an online romance scam that drained his life savings and broke his heart? Articles about romance scams usually focus on the scam itself, but Plonski said the real challenge is what happens afterward.
“So for me, emotionally and even viscerally and physically, it felt like I had been shot through the heart, and it was like a poison was spreading in my body,” he said. “That’s what it felt like as it was hitting home, and I realized very early on that this was a serious wound and a real choice would have to be made.”
He said that he realized, “I have to be very active in my healing process, because, if not, this can really take over my life in a way that will turn me into someone that I’m not going to like. You know, I will be bitter, I will be angry, I will be withdrawn, I will be sick, really, from this experience. Or can I take this and somehow release it or let it go and even transform it so that instead it becomes a source of strength and something that can be positive in some way.”
Plonski said he called on his experience as a healer and an expert in Thai massage, which he describes as “meditation and yoga turned into a massage.”
“I do a lot of personal work to take care of myself and to get to know myself on a really intimate, deeper level, so that I can show up really well for my clients and my students,” he said. “In fact, I always say one of the reasons I chose this profession is because I love how the professional supports the personal, and the personal supports the professional, and it sure is true as far as healing from this.”
The first step, he said, was being open about the experience with his friends and family.
“The first thing that I realized would be really important was to talk to people, like trusted people, about what had happened,” he said. “I texted a friend of mine, and I told him what was going on…And then the next day, I decided to have a group call with my family, who are living in different places all over the world. I didn’t want to have to tell the story multiple times to all of them so I just called them all up, and I explained to them what happened. They were in shock and very upset and very sad for me—and I was sad. It was very hard to tell them, but that was the first step into healing.”
If someone is a victim of a romance scam and doesn’t have a strong personal support network, Plonski suggests that they seek professional help right away “from a therapist, a psychiatrist or a somatic healer, people who can support you and give you tools to help, because it’s a long process.”
At the beginning, he also meditated a lot, did yoga, took care of his body and spent time in nature. “I just tried to be as healthy as I could be from my practices, but also give myself permission, when I was having a particularly hard day, to just feel like crap and just try to hold some space and some love for that, and maybe treat myself to something indulgent or whatever it may be, and know that that is just part of this process of healing and just to trust the process.”
He also began writing about his experience. After a while, he wrote a long article about it and shared it on Substack. Then he made a video for YouTube.
“Sharing the story, I thought, would be a really essential thing to do to help me personally on my recovery—and at the same time, educating people who wouldn’t know about this [romance scams] otherwise. By sharing my story, hopefully I can make them more aware that this exists, so that it doesn’t happen to them. And then for other people, who it’s happened to, to be able to show up and hold some space for them as well, so that they know they’re not alone, because it’s a very lonely and a very hard thing to go through.”
He expected to get some trolling for his YouTube video and he did, but he also got a lot of gratitude.
“There’s been a lot of people who this has happened to or happened to their loved one, and they expressed their sincere gratitude for me sharing about this,” he said.
“It was obviously very painful for a long time in that first year, but eventually it got to a place where I wasn’t reliving it or living the pain throughout my day anymore,” he said.
But even now, he senses traces of trauma from the experience, which shows up as a certain hesitancy in relationships and financial transactions.
Plonski said that realizing that the person who scammed him was probably forced to do so helped mitigate his anger against them.
“For me, it was very important to welcome in feelings of forgiveness as soon as possible,” he said. “So even before I knew that that was the reality, my sense of it was for someone to execute a scam like this is to some degree a reflection of a very sick world that we’re living in, and so I can find forgiveness for that individual as a result of that. And then when I found out that it’s also someone that’s been scammed and in a situation that’s probably a lot worse than my situation, then it’s even easier to find forgiveness, at least for that person.”
And what about the people running these scam operations?
“They’re in the business of ruining people’s lives, and it’s a terrible thing,” he said. “But if I’m going to hold on to hate and anger toward them, it’s another way they win. It doesn’t serve me in any way to think along those lines. And if anything, it hurts me. Like I mentioned that poison, that darkness that spreads through you will just get fueled more through that kind of hate and anger. The more I can lean into forgiveness, the more I can do things to help myself to recover and to create new opportunities to enjoy life, to thrive, to love, to give back, to feel good and be the best version of myself that I can be.”
How to protect yourself from romance scams
Here is what Shai Plonski wishes he’d known before this happened to him:
Knowing that romance scams exist (and are extremely prevalent) is really important. Most people these days meet through online dating, and you just don’t know who’s behind that profile, so it’s good to be very discerning at the beginning.
If someone wants to get to know you without meeting you in person that’s a huge red flag.
Don’t mix love and money (especially online). If someone asks for money or wants you to make an investment—even if its an account in your name— it’s definitely a red flag.
Keep it local.
Older people should be extra careful, especially if they’re less confident about technology. “Probably some of the most heartbreaking stories I have heard about is when you're that age [i.e., old] and then you get scammed romantically and also lose everything,” Plonski said. “It’s a devastating situation.”
I’m sorry this happened to you, Shai. You are a grown up man, yet you’re so naive. I hope nothing like this ever happens to you again.
A friend in Sebastopol was scammed like that, too. That was the first I had heard of that kind of scam. But I had a close call myself, too. Got in a chat exchange with someone who just said "Hi" on a messaging app and on a lark I responded. Eventually investing in crypto came up, but I said I could not afford to lose any money and eventually dropped the contact. Now I know how close a call that was. Makes me less "judgey" about others venturing down that path.